My Eclipse Commentary
by Ms. Thestral Phoenix
Summary: Follow Those Owls inspired me, she is my Twi-hater goddess. I find this book wrong on so many levels and have decided to review/comment it. I understand if you do not agree, but you are not at all forced to read this. It is just my opinion and my first story. Warning: occasional swearing and rants. Read and review, maybe? Tell me what you think!
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Hello, my fellow Twi-haters! I have decided to try my hand at reviewing this book. Eclipse *shivers*. I swear, out of all of them this one makes me almost physically sick. We have Phsyco-Edward and Push-over-Bella. My inspiration is the lovely Follow Those Owls, she is my Twi-Hater Goddess, and by no means do I mean to usurp her story, in fact, go check it out: "The SPARKLING Twilight Commentary", I swear, it is inspirational, and comic, and I love it with all my hypothalamus. I just have a lot to say about everything going on here ._. If you don't agree, that's okay, you don't**

**Disclaime. I own nothing, I am grateful for that. ir belong to Stephanie Meyer. That is all.**

_Preface_

So, as always the preface gives us little to no insight to what is actually happening in the story, now that doesn't surprise me, it's always annoying, none the less. We could just skip this and loose nothing. Of course, some people can be pulled in to the book by this little fragment, but I, personally, am not, so this makes me want to facepalm.

We know that _**he **_is preparing to defend "me", who as we may know by this book, is Bella "Mary-Sue" Swan, and that his family is fighting for their own lives.

Then she proceeds to be a pessimist and predict her own death with this little ray of sunshine:

_**"Would I ever learn the outcome of that other fight? Find out who the winners and the losers were? Would I live long enough for that?**_

_**The odds of that didn't look so great"**_

C'mon Bella! Positive thoughts! But oh well, that would be way OOC for her, to be honest

Whoop. I am already excited for this *intense sarcasm*


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Hello there! I am back with chapter two of my commentary. I hope you like it and tell me your thoughts in a review. If you do not agree with me, that's alright, because this is my opinion and you don't have to share it. But I do recommend that if you love Twilight, keep away from this, because I do bash what I am not okay with. You have been warned. **_  
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**Disclaimer: Twilight is the property of Stephanie Meyer, and I do not wish to own this. At all.**

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_Chapter One: Ultimatum _

_**Bella,**_

_**I don't know why you're making Charlie carry notes like we're in second grade – if I wanted to talk to you I would answer the**_

_**You made the choice here, okay? You can't have it both ways when**_

_**What part of "mortal enemies" is to complicated to for you to **__***insert ink spot here***_

_**Look, I know I'm being a jerk, but there is just no way around **__***another ink spot***_

_**We can't be friends when you're spending all your time with a bunch of**_

_**It Just makes it worse when I think about you too much, so don't write anymore**_ (A/N:I underlined because I couldn't cross out, sorry)

_**Yeah. I miss you, too. A lot. Doesn't change anything. Sorry**_

_**Jacob**_

Okay, there are so many thing wrong with this, I can't even… Gosh:

The part of "mortal enemies" that I don't understand is that there is NO REASON TO BE, this is just a stupid rivalry created by Meyer to make the love triangle more "complicated". But come on, these two supernatural species could just live in peace. They don't drink human blood, both of you smell foul. Get over it.

He knows he's being a jerk but he doesn't stop. Yep, he's a total keeper.

Insulting her "family", another good quality

Why can't he just grab a new piece of paper? Is there no more in his house or is he just being intentionally hurtful by crossing out parts in a way that she can still see?

He just writes 11 words! He crosses out 90% of the whole thing and then leaves 11 WORDS! WTF!?

Why does Bella keep on reading this thing? Oh, yeeeaaah, I forgot, she's a MASOCHIST, BOO HOO

Conclusion, Jacob is a big giant jerk, and it's only page two.

Bella goes on to ramble about how much it hurts that Jacob was in pain (trying to be selfless, I suppose). Then OHMYGODNO! Somebody alert the media, Charlie is cooking! He is in his late thirties and cannot cook a simple dinner like pasta? Yes Meyer, this is totally believable *mega eye roll* He survived most of his life without Bella's cooking and I am sure he did not order take-out every single day. It's pasta, not rocket science.

_Bella: "Edward is the best thing to happen since the invention of the zipper, blah blah blah. I'm so scared of commitment, blah blah blah. Afternoons are hell, no pretty sparkles o fluffy dogies, blahblah blah. People in Seattle getting murdered, blah blah blah." _Just some good ol' filler, you know

And then, Bella's not grounded anymore! Yay! But…Oh wait… She has to spend time with people that are not the Cullens! OH NO! CHARLIE IS SO UNFAIR! Bella gets defensive because her father dares to be a concerned parent! She is the perfect daughter, of course.

More friends talk… And Bella got into college *gasp* But of course, Bella doesn't care about college, she cares about being a sparkly vamp in a faraway place with her boyfriend of less than a year (I do not count the `Breakup of Doom`). I understand that she may not want to go, I'm not sure I want to, but her reason is just so messed up. It's like she's Edward's satellite or something. Not healthy in any relationship.

Bella fawns over Edward's "God-like face". Aaaannd, she forgets to breath. SHE FORGETS TO BREATH! Is it a medical condition? Should she get it checked? Because I swear, I have found so many men handsome, but not once have I forgotten to breath, that is neither normal nor healthy.

We are introduced to the book's batch of Controlling-Edward when he just make her fill out application after application when Bella has stated no interest of going to college, and when she refuses to finish one application, Edward just shows us how good he is at forging his girlfriend's signature. That's really hot. I dream to find a man just this one. *Pukes a little in her mouth*.

Guess what guys? It turns out that the killings in Seattle _weren't _filler. A bloodthirsty vampire is terrorizing the city. Innocent humans, yummy.

This is a little part that I hate:

"_**Better," he allowed. "There are polar bears, too. Very fierce. And the wolves get quite large."**_

_**My mouth fell open and my breath flew out in a sharp gust.**_

"_**What's wrong?" he asked. Before I could recover, the confusion vanished and his whole body seemed to harden. "Oh, never mind the wolves, then, if the idea is offensive to you." His voice was stiff, formal, his shoulders rigid.**_

"_**He was my best friend, Edward," I muttered. It stung to use the past tense. "Of course the idea offends me."**_

"_**Please forgive my thoughtlessness," he said, still very formal. "I shouldn't have suggested that."**_

List time again!

What is wrong with her reactions? Why is she always running out of breath? Is this normal?

I do not understand WHY this is offensive to her, it's not like he said to go a suck the blood of her actual best friend.

So draining the blood out of penguins or polar bears doesn't bother her, but a wolf does? Get over it Bella, you probably won't even care once you smell the blood and your vampire kicks in.

But Bella will be Bellla, so let's move on

Edward emotionally blackmails Bella, telling her that she'll start a war if she sees her friend. Telling her it's not safe for her, this is just one of the many times that he uses this stupid argument to control Miss Push-over. He goes on bashing Wuthering Heights; like he does every times he sees her copy. Come on Edward, if she likes it, just get over it.

And on another note, there is this little line that bothers me:

"_**The characters are ghastly people who ruin each other's' lives. I don't know how Heathcliff and Cathy ended up being ranked with couples like Romeo and Juliet or Elizabeth Bennet and Mr. Darcy. It isn't a love story, it's a hate story"**_

Come on. COME ON. Please, Romeo and Juliet is NOT a love story, it's classified as one of Shakespeare's TRAGDEDIES. I understand that these two got married and "loved" each other, but the whole story lasted about five days and left around 5-6 people dead. Is that really a love story? Is it really? The same day Romeo met Juliet he had the hots for Rosalind, so I really don't understand how that same night he was declaring undying love for Juliet.

Besides, I respect Heathcliff, the guy had balls. Yes, he was evil, and sometimes I really wanted to punch him, but he's just one of those assholes that I can't really hate.

_**I put my hand over his to hold it to my face. "I need to see Jacob"**_

_**His eyes closed. "No."**_

WHAT!? IS HE SERIOUS!? WHO DOES THIS B**** THINK HE IS!? WHEN DID HE START OWNING HER!? AND WHAT'S WRONG WITH HER!? WHY DOES SHE LET HIM MANIPULATE HER LIKE THIS!? SINCE WHEN DOES SHE NEED HIS PERMISSION!? I CAN'T EVEN-

For the love of all that is Holy, please tell me why she even gives him the right to do this? She should do whatever she wants. She is not a child, she has her own brain. And Meyer has been telling us this whole time that she a mature and responsible person, but the moment that she tries to decide for herself , she just let's this sparkly vampire-fairy hybrid order her around and that is not right in any relationship. And yes, this type of controlling behavior is considered as abusive.

The whole chapter goes on with Edward bashing the wolves and Bella being like: "But please can I go?" and Edward: "LOL Bella, as if, you're too stupid and you'll end up hurt". Then this atrocity is thrown at us:

"_**No werewolves"**_

"_**I'm not going along with that. I have to see Jacob."**_

"_**Then I'll have to stop you"**_

_**He sounded utterly confident that this wouldn't be a problem**_

_**I was sure he was right**_

I understand what some people might think: "He's just trying to protect the love of his life". You can say anything, but there is a difference between protecting and controlling. He is taking advantage of him being a vampire and taking away Bella's free will. And that is something that can't be denied, no matter how much you may like this series, in real life being a stalking, controlling jerk will put you in jail. And that's why this book is so infuriating, because the type of behavior that Edward is showing is not loving, or caring, or romantic, it's abusive.

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**A/N: Well, that was all for today. Review it and tell me what you think, if you wish. I'll upload tomorrow or the day after. Byeee,**

**Ms. Thestral Phoenix**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Welcome back to the third chapter in my commentary. I hope you have enjoyed it so far, because I have. I must admit, I have gotten very worked up at some points. Please excuse my writing, sometimes I enjoy ****misspelling certain things. but I promise you I know how to write. To all Twilight lovers, I recommend you stay away, you will NOT like what I right. I hope you enjoy. That is all.**

**Disclaimer: Once again, everything belongs to Stephanie Meyer. I only contribute with my opinion.**

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_Chapter Two: Evasion_

"_**I felt oddly buoyant as I walked from Spanish toward the cafeteria, and it wasn't just because I was holding hands with the most perfect person on the planet, though that was certainly part of it"**_

THAT is how this chapter starts. I get, she is OhSoInLove. But this guy could probably murder a puppy in front of her and she would still consider him the best thing in the universe. And trust me Meyer; I got the fact that he is super-mega hot the first time you wrote about it. And I got it the other 10023 times you mention his inhuman beauty. It's boring by now.

FATHER HAS GIVEN BELLA A SOCK! BELLA IS FREEEE! (A/N: Sorry, just really felt the need to throw the reference in there). Bella is no longer grounded, high school is almost over and everything seems just peachy in this installment, so far the only "angst" that we have is the "Jacob affair". But this is Twilight, and all of us know that these poor fairies just can't have peace; but more on that later.

So graduation is near, and Bella is no longer grounded, so everybody should celebrate! *throwing stink-eye at Pixie* `But don't you dare get carried away with this Alice, no international travel! `

Yes, because normal people just flaunt all their money by flying out of the country for a weekend. Way to fit in.

Blah blah blah…AND THEN THIS!

"_**Sure I was free to go anywhere I wanted-except La Push, free to do anything I wanted- except see Jacob"**_

Please child, grow some balls. You are a legal adult! You are willing to move out of your house to be with a person you've known for ONE YEAR, but you can't decide to go visit your "best friend" by yourself because the big scary vampire says "no". I don't buy it. She's "smart", but she just lets her boyfriend (_boyfriend_, not _owner_) control her without even talking to him and making him understand that you can make your own choices.

See, this is how I think this should happen:

_Edward: No Bella, you are not allowed to see Jacob._

_Bella: Excuse me? Who gave you permission to make my decisions? You need to learn your place here. I am a legal adult, I am eighteen and I survived seventeen years without your guidance, and trust me, if I need it, I WILL ask for it. _

_Edward: You don't know what danger you're putting yourself in. Please understand –_

_Bella: NO Edward; I understand, I have been around wolves and it is just as dangerous as hanging around a vampire. At least they don't want to suck my blood every second that I'm with them._

You see, if Bella said something at least REMOTELY like this, she would earn some respect in my book. But she's a pushover, so I have less than zero respect for her. But let's move on.

Alice has a vision, some other stuff happens. Then Edward dazzles Bella and kisses her until she is a tiny puddle of melted hormones. I understand she's sexually frustrated. But why mess with her then force her away with your "superhero" strength. That's just rude.

WARNING: A RANT IS FOLLOWING AFTER THIS FRAGMENT

"_**I'd spent most of my life taking care of Renée, patiently guiding her away from her craziest plans, good-naturedly enduring the ones I couldn't talk her out of. I'd always been indulgent with my mom, amused by her, even a little condescending to her. I saw her cornucopia of mistakes and laughed privately to myself. Scatterbrained Renée"**_

WHAT!? THERE ARE SO MANY THINGS WRONG WITH THIS – First of all, I do not care how mature you think you are, your mother is the adult in this relationship and she _can_ take care of herself. She managed nineteen years without you and she could handle the rest of her life without you as well. I can understand that you don't want your mother to hurt herself, I can even respect that. But she can make her own choices, and that is something that _you_ have to respect. Second, the mother is indulgent with her child, not the other way around. Maybe she was too indulgent with you and that's why you think condescending on and laughing at her is something acceptable. Third, is it just me or is she kinda' like Renee's "Edward" of sorts? For somebody that seems so dominant and controlling with her mother she's very submissive with her boyfriend. Okay, I'm done.

She goes to say that only dumb people marry before they finish college and that now she is part of the group. But it's okay guys, she's only doing it become a blood-sucking monster, LOL. And since when is marrying young considered "small-town"? A lot of people do it; just like many "small-town" people choose to wait until getting into a serious relationship.

Edward pressures her to go to Jacksonville (Dude, if she says "no" then that means that she doesn't want to, learn to _listen, _buddy). Bella just lets it go, in true Bella-fashion. Well, Bella actually _does _want to see her mom, because let's face it, she probably won't have the chance to go when she gets what she wants and becomes a vampire. Sacrificing your whole life, your family, your friends and everything seems reasonable when you get to be with a hot piece of ass and his family for all eternity. NOT.

"_**You aren't the only one who's been trapped in this house, you know." He frowned at me.**_

_**Suspicion returned. This kind of behavior was unlike him. He was always so impossibly selfless; I knew it was making me spoiled.**_

"_**You can go anywhere you want," I pointed out.**_

"_**The outside world holds no interest for me without you"**_

Dear Edward,

That is stalker-ish, unhealthy, worrying, so please, I beg you: STAHP.

And the worst thing is that she just brushes this off, she doesn't even notice how messed up this is. He should get out, go make some friends, find some hobbies that don't include stalking… that sort of thing.

Bella then asks what Alice saw in her vision during lunch (I'm going to cheat here), and Edward just LIES to her as if it was the most natural thing in the world. She of course buys it, because Edward is SUCH a good boyfriend, he'd never lie, duh.

Let's skip the part where Bella makes dinner and Charlie stuffs his face.

Charlie was invited to visit his friends (who he has only known, you know, his whole life), and Bella says that she knew she wouldn't be "allowed" to go.

HOLD THE FRIKIN' PHONE, you just said yourself, a few pages ago, that you a legally an adult, and that nobody has custody of you, but you can't tell your boyfriend -or whatever you call him- that? I mean, is he your father? Are you fourteen? Please, _please_, stand up for yourself.

Edward then throws out the topic of the trip to Jacksonville. He has no right to do this, it is not his place to tell Bella's father about this, it is her choice and he should learn to deal with it.

At first Charlie is like "Oh, that's great", the second he learns about the second ticket he flips shit, has a gigantic mood swing and forbids Bella to go. These mood swings clearly are common in the family, because suddenly Bella grows a pair and is like "I'll do what I want", AND THEN SHE THEARTENS TO MOVE OUT OF THE HOUSE. Why? Because her father won't let her go away TO A TRIP SHE SAID SHE DIDN'T WANT TO GO ON IN THE FIRST PLACE.

"_**I'll do my time without complaining when I've done something wrong, Dad, but I'm not going to put up with your prejudices"**_

Why can't she say this to Edward? Apparently, she believes the whole "mortal enemies" crap, because if she can talk to her father like this than she sure as hell she can blow Edward off.

She then leaves her house, because that's just how she rolls. She then feels "guilty" about winning the fight with her dad. I don't buy it, not one bit. She forgets about it 0.1 seconds later, anyways.

She tries-but fails horribly- to tell Edward off, but then he tells her that she's worried about her mother, which he knows because he stays watching her ALL. . She doesn't even remember having ANY dreams about her mother, and she would have at least remembered dreaming about her if it was multiple times, like it was implied. And can she only remember dreams when it's actually important to the plot? It seems so, because she's had two dreams that could apparently predict the future. It's never really clarified if he was lying when he said that, I think. But I vote that it's bullshit.

Edward then tells her that the trip has nothing to do with the "party" at La Push, because no matter what she wouldn't be allowed near the place. PREACH EDWARD. Because he is just THAT good of a significant other, he doesn't even try to hide the fact the he is a controlling prick.

Guess what? Bella wants to SHOUT at Edward. But she doesn't, because not fighting with Edward seems ten times more important than not fighting with her father.

AND THE DAUGHTER OF THE YEAR AWARD GOES TO… BELLA SWAN! LOL NOT REALLY THO.

Whatever, Bella "groans in defeat". Because it wasn't her choice to begin with, duh. She has no self-respect. I am sure there is a therapist willing to help with that.

***RANDOM TIME SKIP APPEARS***

We skip the whole visit to Edward's house. To "visit Esme", although in the flashbacks they don't even mention her.

Bella instantly worries because *gasp* Charlie hits the mute button. It has been made clear that the communication between them is practically non-existent, so I suppose she should worry *eye roll*.

*SUPERMEGA GASP* Charlie is trying to have "the Talk" with Bella. Gross Charlie, ew. Bella describes this as "beyond the seventh circle of Hades". Bear in mind, this chick has been hunted by bloodthirsty vampires, BUT, how can you even compare that to THIS new kind of torture? Get your priorities straight, woman.

Bella dodges the bullet by telling her dad she's not getting any. But then Charlie seems to be obsessed with Jacob, because he is just that much of a concerned parent. Bella admits to patronize her father, as Jacob does with his, because that's what the cool kids do nowadays.

OHMYGAWD. Bella's being a bad girl and trying to escape to visit Jacob. WE CAN'T HAVE THAT. Turns out, Alice is just as controlling and got "worried" when Bella's future disappeared. So Edward used his super superpowers and ran to Bella's house, made her car break down and sat patiently in the back seat, waiting for her, IN FIVE MINUTES. If this is not alarming to her, then I don't know what is. Edward just acts as if what he did was just what a loving, caring boyfriend would do. Why? Because he's a psycho stalker, but he's a super cute one, so we can just move on. Turns out, he is also very understanding, because he tells Bella she can go right ahead and shut her window so he can't spend the night. It seems clear that he does not understand the concept of boundries.

Bella closes the window, and re-opens it not even three seconds later.

WHY? WHY ARE YOU ONLY MAD FOR 0.2 SECONDS? THIS IS THE MOST CONTROLLING THING HE'S DONE UNTIL NOW. YOU'RE JUST TELLING HIM THAT HE HAS THE POWER TO DO IT. SHUT THAT DAMN WINDOW AND TEACH HIM A LESSON, COWARD.

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**A/N: I rant way to much sometimes. But it feel good to vent. Anyways...Please review, I appreciate every single opinion you guys give me. I'm sorry for not updating like I said I would. Until next time!**

**Ms. Thestral Phoenix **


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